Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Nothing has Changed
I wish I could say that I was coming back to this journal refreshed and ready to go. Unfortunately, I’m still pretty sad and am having a really tough time breaking out of the rut.
I went home this weekend to be with my parents and the visit didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped. There were a lot of tears and my dad and I got into a couple screaming matches on Friday night. I’m still kind of reeling from that whole experience. The stress that my family is under right now is almost impossible to describe, yet feels all consuming.
My brother is not doing well at all. It’s too hard to get into it any further.
I feel really lonely and like no one understands. I feel disconnected from some of my friends and I can’t seem to find any sort of joy in either their lives or my own.
I feel completely defeated. I don’t care about the bullshit that was plaguing me before. I could care less about my acting, my life in NYC, or anything else that used to make me happy.
I know that this will pass. But it hasn’t yet and my nerves are shot.
The only thing I do know is that I hate Bush and I hate this war and I feel like I live in a country that is based on false democracy. The system doesn’t seem to work, so why do I try to be such a big part of it?
Eventually I will get my fire back, but for now, there isn’t much else I can say.
I’ve been beaten down and it’s really hard to get back up and fight the good fight.
I wish I could say that I was coming back to this journal refreshed and ready to go. Unfortunately, I’m still pretty sad and am having a really tough time breaking out of the rut.
I went home this weekend to be with my parents and the visit didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped. There were a lot of tears and my dad and I got into a couple screaming matches on Friday night. I’m still kind of reeling from that whole experience. The stress that my family is under right now is almost impossible to describe, yet feels all consuming.
My brother is not doing well at all. It’s too hard to get into it any further.
I feel really lonely and like no one understands. I feel disconnected from some of my friends and I can’t seem to find any sort of joy in either their lives or my own.
I feel completely defeated. I don’t care about the bullshit that was plaguing me before. I could care less about my acting, my life in NYC, or anything else that used to make me happy.
I know that this will pass. But it hasn’t yet and my nerves are shot.
The only thing I do know is that I hate Bush and I hate this war and I feel like I live in a country that is based on false democracy. The system doesn’t seem to work, so why do I try to be such a big part of it?
Eventually I will get my fire back, but for now, there isn’t much else I can say.
I’ve been beaten down and it’s really hard to get back up and fight the good fight.
